It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”