me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
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I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss