me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
You Might Also Like
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose