Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

🤣

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”