Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.