Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Erm…

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”