Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

Ha.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987