ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
how was your vacation
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name