ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
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Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
This meal prepping shit easy
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
it is time once again
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.