Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

😊🦆

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Holy moly

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.