me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
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Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”