me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Always…
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.