ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
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Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Go girl power!
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars