Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

just pretend nothing happened

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.