Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

You had me at “define legal”.

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!