Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk