ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
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[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*