@ClichedOut

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

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@SCbchbum

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

@HollyMemphis

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

@TheSweetestD_

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

@Fred_Delicious

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

@mydmac

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

@AngryRaccoon2

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

@KyleMcDowell86

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

@KeetPotato

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

@BrianHDot

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless