ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
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“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.