Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”
I have 1 coffee a day.
Offices are hell.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.