Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
