Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
You Might Also Like
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Still a very good boi….
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today