Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”