@geowizzacist

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

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@gavinspeiller

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

@Kyle_Lippert

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

@Probgoblin

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

@cray_at_home_ma

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

@GrantTanaka

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

@peterjames48

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

@looktothepickle

Girl, tonight I’m gonna let my body do all the talking..

*squishes flab together to make a mouth out of my bellybutton* HELLOOO! LA LA LAA!

@TheTweetOfGod

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

@FredTaming

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!