Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

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Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”


🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy


Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?


In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green


[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm


For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.


Girl, tonight I’m gonna let my body do all the talking..

*squishes flab together to make a mouth out of my bellybutton* HELLOOO! LA LA LAA!


“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.


[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong


[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]