Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Just say no
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”