Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun