Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

Tapped in

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!