Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

Okay this one takes it home

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

it’s either covid or clever vampires

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues