Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

Chicago sounds lovely.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

My teenage children choosing violence

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.