Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Fun Things

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*