Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.