Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them