Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My whole life was a lie.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house