Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Pringles

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?