Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

United Steaks of America

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

Seals are just dog mermaids.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed