Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.