Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

I think the cat got the dog high.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

extrovert: *answers unknown number*

introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

#damn

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”