Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

just witnessed a drug deal

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?