Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
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To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
the council will decide your fate
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so