*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I’m giving up for Lent.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me