Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise