Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

realest tweet ever.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

can’t catch a break

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago