Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

I feel like Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” describes how a woman’s chin hair grows back.

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.