Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
work smarter, not harder
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.