Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else