Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
You Might Also Like
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
There’s always that one guy
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.