Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
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Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨