Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.