It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?