Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
You Might Also Like
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Your honor these allegations are
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.