Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
long lost
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Emma is smarter than all of us.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Overindulged this afternoon.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff