Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
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Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
omg leave her alone
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.