Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
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I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?