Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

*performs CPR on the turkey*

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why