me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Brother?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways