Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

*pokes sex life with a stick

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.