Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

How to wake up a Beagle

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.