Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.