Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.