Single: “Looking for sex”
In a relationship: “Having sex”
Married: “Not having sex”
It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.
Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
Me: Are you done cleaning?
Me: So what should you be doing?
She cleans like me.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.