@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

- @ItsAndyRyan

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@MUMSIEesq

[3AM]
FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don’t think I’m too needy?

@Ygrene

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

@JustUnstableMe

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

@dshack8

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

@p_net

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

@bingowings14

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

@3sunzzz

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.