I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..