Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless


My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.


My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.


Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.


Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?


The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.


If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….



Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..