@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

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@Carmensadie

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@sarcasticmommy4

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

@itchyturtle

Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

@lemmywinkler

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

@TheRealRobG

If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….

(sarcasm)

@Cpin42

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..