@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

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@stereofiasco

Facebook codes…

Single: “Looking for sex”

In a relationship: “Having sex”

Married: “Not having sex”

It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”

@karencheee

People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.

Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?

@HepatitisAtoZ

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

@TheGladStork

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

@badbanana

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

@ramblinma

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

@PaperWash

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

@DurtMcHurtt

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.