Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house