Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I think I’m gonna be sick
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”