Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?