Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

No. YOU-buprofen.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.