ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
This 4th of July, please remember…
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
