Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.