Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle