Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*