Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Okay this one takes it home

the duality of man

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here