Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”