Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”