Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
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Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
the three genders
RT if you could go either way.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled