Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
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me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”