14 year olds be talkin bout “im a dom,” son the only thing u should be dominating is that geometry test tomorrow get studying
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
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writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
‘There’s lots of other fish in the sea.’
Me, burning dinner.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant