@TheNYAMProject

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

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@CatalystNB

14 year olds be talkin bout “im a dom,” son the only thing u should be dominating is that geometry test tomorrow get studying

@TheHyyyype

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

@roxiqt

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

@LackOfShame

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

@WilliamAder

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

@KevinFarzad

Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.

@poutinesmoothie

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

@jollyrobber

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant