Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!