Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

You don’t even know

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”