Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Waiting for the Charmin