me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
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In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
When you have to use a public restroom.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?