me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
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Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
They did not think through this water fountain
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
When someone trying to leave me
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Otters drive ottermobiles.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.